i am dying inside

No resurrection coming to life

The depth of my emptiness is written on these walls
I am dying inside
A very slow death
It surpasses even prison walls
The hollow feeling that echoes sweet nothings
I am dying inside

The element of no meaning has grown to the surface

It’s like an erupting volcano
I am dying inside
And there is no need to cry
All rivers and oceans are filled with tears
I am dying inside with hope
I am dying with no way out

The thoughts that consume me

They feed of my pain in a small room filled with nothing
I am dying inside and the battle is still on
All questions were still put to life
I am dying inside and I really want to live
I really want to matter
In the mist of it all
The wrath of all sores and all the pains
I still want to live
But I am dying inside

When I feel my heart lose meaning and all purpose

The reality still strikes like a lightning bald
I am dying inside
The path was set but no one walked on it
The outcome was never death even figuratively
The joy that went missing during the times of no point
I am dying inside
And I don’t know what to make of it
I don’t know how to relive
Revive and save my inside that is burning
I am dying inside metaphorically and literally

I know the irony is clear

Nights have become days
Where my mind is wide awake
And my days have become nights
Where I walk around dead all day
From my internal structure
To my physical posture
I am dying inside and no one seems to care

The race that faded in people’s eyes

The sad reality was seen in that one element
I failed, I die because I failed
I feel the depth of every pain as it appears
I live to be me, to be heard
But the weight I carry is massive
I am not blind even though there’s not much to feed on
I am dying inside and the feeling is not real
Well, real, would torment

It would bring my insides closer to the eruption

I am dying inside and I still want to live
I still want to feel
I still want that sense and utmost happiness
Yet I am dying inside
Again and again, again and again.
I am dying inside…

You were my friend

You were my friend

You were my friend

Then you became my horror

You tattooed my back with wounds
They never seem to fade away
I’m pealing in shock to realize
That you were my friend

It hurts to even see the blisters

The aftermath of your burns
You were my friend
I seek for sunlight
When you used to provide shade

No tears would fall far from my soul

That overflowed with darkness
You were my friend
While befriended my enemies
Laughed harder than my haters
Words that painted a portrait that didn’t need colours

You were my friend

I never saw one in the mist of my troubles
The depth of my struggle
The small shape I became in your eyes
With that face that had a fake smile

You were my friend

And yet I still needed a friend
Not to confide nor defend
I just needed a friend to be a friend
You were my friend

The blood I shared was in vain

The battle was already decided
The polls were already in
The verdict was already said
Yet I stood there with a surprised face
Because you were my friend

No pen could define

No story could be told
No sin could be committed
In what was discovered

You were my friend

My eyes burnt and your life shined
I erased the beauty of my heart
To your vision I didn’t lose
You were my friend

My mind still thinks

Still sees and still feels
That you were my friend
Would we even ask the inevitable question?
Not only is it rhetorical
But it brings more sadness than smiles

You were my friend

And I still seek for a friend
Running around in search for you
When I actually left you in the presence of my enemies
The hurt that erupted on the side of my body
My back already filled with your signatures
Deep under my skin
Where you used to bring class and honor

You were my friend

But that never stopped you
You were my friend
Yet I still write about you
Do not ask why
Rather ask, why not.

You were my friend…

She...

 

She lay there still

She lay there still as my words travelled around her

She had no idea my words were trying to penetrate
As letters fell on her gentle skin
Just to formulate what reality symbolized in just words
She couldn’t see me even when I stood tall over her

The echo of her heartbeat ran around the room

She was still and yet I wished she could move
Move to the symphony of my words
Every one of them was created just for her
She needed to witness all of that

Those deep almost dead feelings that had me shaking

She lay there still and I continued to think around her
About her and for me
I longed for just hand gestures for proof of life
And I knew it was there

It was dark and her soul could brighten up the room

Her calmness that would melt icebergs
She lay there still while I tried to answer the unknown

My words were all I had

Swords that hurt
Spears that pierce through hearts

I just stood there and gazed

Flashbacks of when she was in motion
As she lay there still
I wonder the process of seeing different
The reality of that beating heart
The darkness that overwhelmed me
She lay there still

Does she rotate, roll or slide?

In my eyes no motion was required
All that happened through me
My thoughts and actions
My mind and heart
My hands and feet
My soul and my spirit
Will not matter without her being still

Pump, pump, pump

Pump that heart with emotions till it overflows
Emotions that run from the mind
Let it simmer in time as it matures like wine
Just to enjoy the sanity that reflects on her
She lay there still
And I still stood over her.

Why should I speak?

Why should I speak?

When words run through you like laser beams,
The same beams in the Star wars movie.
Why should I speak?
When you dissect every syllable
To match your own mental capacity.

Why should I speak?

When you decipher even the clearest wording.
Why should I speak?
When phrases become spears to you,
They stab you in ways that make them lose meaning.

Why should I speak?

When you fly to conclusions with no end point.
Why should I speak?
When ignorance has become your weakness,
Your surroundings motionless like the world is.

Why should I speak?

When even my grammar is not on point to you,
You google internally just to rid of all points.
Why should I speak?
When matters of the heart reside in a circus for you,
A clown created just to leave a frown.

Why should I speak?

When even alphabetically orderly sense never reaches you,
Your brain has a wall of China.
Why should I speak?
When mornings become the aftermath of your wrath,
The weight of reality and mental stability lose you.

Why should I speak?

Why should I paraphrase?
The systematic of human understanding to suit you,
When your narrow mind sees in thin vision.

Why should I speak?

When all I want is just to speak,
Just one line in a sentence,
A sentence in a not to happen paragraph,
When long before one word blasted a hole in the earth.

Why should I speak?

Why though,
When the depth of my excitement reached the North Pole
Where even lava from your condescending reply is solid.

Why should I speak?

Are you worthy of my mental compilation?
Why should I speak?
When you are just keen to slaughter the motion of this pen,

Will I know?

Will it matter?
Do you matter?
Oh why should I speak?

I fucked up

Yeah I did, very bad

Fell into a pit of the unknown
I got burned by fires that had no origin
I did that with shame and disgrace
I hurt the hurt that came back to hurt me

The need to breathe through
The nerve of wanting to survive
I was swallowed by undescribed events
Events of sorry and stupidity
Woke up with a pain on the side of my soul

As I search for a lane to run on
The reality that spoke to me in tongues
The clarity that rose from bleeding eyes
The beat that was shared as tears filled my palms
While at it, I saw an empty future
The reason to stop breathing
No joy was seen nor felt
I would run through archives of mislead words
Words that needed proper grounds to stand on
Shit I fucked up…!!!

Even my hands would not dig out this grave

Selfish thoughts that had me not brave
Pause, slow down, I need to save
Save the little space left in my soul
Just to redeem myself
This was not the aim, yes I said it.

I went to bed in an empty room
A room full of echoes that lead to banging walls
Shaking floors and a not so secure structure
This was to redefine self-hate
A bag full of regret dragged in a slow pace

I fucked up and saw today shatter between the pages of my life

No hard copy was available
There was nothing hard about my actions
Laser beam eyes that saw through time
From the sad present to the beginning of it all
I never felt a smile, just ripped apart from where I stood
Yes I said it…

I FUCKED UP!!!

I don't know

I don’t know where I was last night

All those hours I spent in no man’s land
No trace or memory of anything
I don’t know the place
Nor do I know the location
Been there through but still don’t know

I don’t know where I was last night

I couldn’t speak of it, the darkness was overwhelming
I don’t know why I went
How do I go to a place I don’t know?

This place is not known to people around me

Stories flying around which makes no sense
The question still stands, Where, Why, How?
The scenery said a lot
The pulse that never skipped a beat
The worry in my heart so heavy
That my mind ran over time

I don’t know where I was last night

Even though I saw the light of day
At the end of it all, I ran a race with no finish line
Hanging by a thread of questions with no answers
It took hours to return with my soul
The destination with no smile

I really don’t know where I was last night

Should I be happy that I returned?
Should I be questioning it all?
Spinning mind set on auto pilot
As heavy as my heart was, reality still saves time

I don’t know where I was last night

But I’m really glad that I went…

I don’t know

i am not naive

I am not naïve

I will not perpetuate a stereo type of mindless people
People who seek attention
I will not stoop any lower than the hurt bought forward
The spirit will always shine with smiles
Save me from the conceptual stupidity that runs in people’s blood
Souls which are not intended will never burn
Those intended will rise above,
Rise above with the intention to live and smile more

I am not naïve

The fire will always burn out
Not that it matters to some
But the observation of seeing a tree grow from ashes
It will overwhelm even the most heartless creatures
God sees the hurt and shares the pain
Yes, it never seem to be profitable
Because shallow minds only see in narrow visions
The power shown will not be to define
It will be to reintroduce

The pain will mellow in time

The frown will disappear
Beat the heart and listen to the power of reproduction
The power of humanity
Speed is always slow when intentions are mentally deranged

I am not naïve

I will look at stars while I count my blessings
Every breath of fresh air will be a symbol
Every sign will be clear
Forget about space when people’s mentalities are measured by actions and words
I am not naïve

Redefine your views and look at me again

Look at me closely.
I am not naïve….